its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
