saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
