OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
