I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
The dick lei will go down in squad history
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
