who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
