My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
