bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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