Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
