I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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