woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
