I hate your face
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
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