They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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