Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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