Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
