when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
