Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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