i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Why can't burritos get me drunk
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
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