We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
