Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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