i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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