is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
