sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
