I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
