my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
