I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Randomize
