I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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