Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
