apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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