i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You dont lie about slip and slides
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
