he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
