I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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