Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
