dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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