i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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