remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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