That's intense
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
