oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
