News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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