Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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