I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
My penis needs a shock collar
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Shame - the story of my life.
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