If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
