My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
