I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Randomize
