Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
