i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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