Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
