there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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