the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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