who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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