He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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