if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I think we might need a safe word for this...
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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