just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
