Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
it glows. i had to have it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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