hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
