so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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