so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
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